Under Water

I am under water. Everything is taking so much more effort than it should. It makes me tired. Why can't I just be normal again? I need to quit moping and get back to my life. This is a much higher hurtle than I could ever imagine. I just need to hold my baby. Tell him I'm sorry and that not a single day of my life will pass when I don't think of him. I made that same vow when my grandfather died. I have kept it. I think of him everyday. Starnge how someone whose memory has faded is still in my thoughts and a part of my life.

I need to let off steam. I wish I ran. I wish I could run for 10 miles until my lungs filled wtih fire and I could let go of all this anger and guilt. Unfortunately I turn it inward. I think and think til it tears me up. I wish there were an off switch to my mind. I have tried to meditate before but I can not shut me off long enough to hear the silence.

I am so thankful to be able to write some of it down and rip it out of my head. I need to talk or get it out some how. This is easier than picking up the phone. No one has to read this but it is out of me. I don't want to burden anyone and I don't want sympathy. I just want to be back to myself, I just don't know if that's going to happen for a while.

I need a memory, I need to hold my baby and rock him. This is never going to happen, I know that, but I still feel the most real need to do these things. I need to quit feeling so guilty. I need to get my heart to understand that I did not cause this. I need to quit replaying the last two weeks over and over in my head.

I am trying to concentrate on how wonderful my life is. How blessed I am in every way. But all I can think is I want to be home. I want to lay in my mom and dad's bed and watch the tonight show and not think about anything. I want to lay on Tabba's couch and just be in the same room with her. I want to sit in Leann's back yard and talk about nothing for hours. I want out of my head.

I know I will be fine. I just deal with things this way. I feel like life is moving so fast right now. I just want everything to slow down. I don't ever want to forget the person who made us four, even if only for a couple weeks.

I am clear to start trying for another baby in a month. It scares me. I know they found out some of what went wrong and will try to prevent it from happening again. How do I open my heart again? How do I not feel as if I am betraying the baby we lost by replacing him, even when I'm not? All of these stupid thoughts that I can't shake. Pretending to be me is wearing me out. But after faking it for a while it's gets easier and easier til one day I am not faking it and I am back to me.

I have to get my butt in gear. I have eaten more white bread in the past week than I have eaten over the past 5 years. I know I have a right to be depressed and self induldgent, but I want it over with.

I love Brad but he is not one to talk to about this. To him there is nothing to talk about and no reason for me to be greiving. It doesn't make it any easier. I feel like I am sad enough for the both of us.

I will be fine. Life will go on at it's ever quickening pace and I will fall into it's rythm. But right now I feel like I am marching off beat with my shoes untied and I am stumbling trying to catch up.



Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=51400525&page=9#ixzz0t3W15KeA