I looked at Brad as we laid down in bed last night and wondered who this person was. How could someone I love so much be such a stranger to me? I know who I thought he was when we were dating, but he isn't that anymore. He has changed and so have I. Brad is a lesson in patience and silence. I miss him even when we are in the same room. Sometimes it is painful to be with someone who is so shut off from you.
He and I don't talk like I wish we could. It just isn't going to happen. I love how strong he is in every way. But, it's his emense strength that makes it so hard for him to feel. I don't think he'll ever know what my favorite color is. Don't think that he'll know what's on my mind, or in my heart. We won't be one of those sweet little old couples who are still sweethearts and holding hands at 80.
We have learned each other. Ours is not as passionate as it once was, but whose is? We are more comfortable. I know his habbits. I know our routine. I know every wrinkle on his brow but not always what causes them. I will always be in love with Brad because he will always be unatianable. I want what I can't have.
I have seen more emotion from him since we had Turner than I ever have. It has brought me great joy. He is as loving and wonderful of a father that there has ever been. He is just unable to outwardly and openly show love toward others who are not of him.
It has taken a few years to realize that he will not change. He has so many good points. He does love me, but it may never be outwardly apparent. He has never been one for flattery. I think the last heart-felt compliment he gave me was when Turner was 4 days old. It meant the world to me.
I wish I knew my husband better. Our only conversations consist of "Hi, how was your day?" I am not a quiet person, but I have spent many hours in complete silence since marrying my husband. Lots of time to think. Maybe I know myself better because of this. Maybe we balance each other out. I feel everything and can usually exspress it. He feels some but can't ever let any out.
I hope that over the next 20 or 30 years we'll have chances to get to know each other better. If not, I will still love this stranger by my side. Life with him is simple. I love him and he loves me. We don't have to say it, but it is something that i feel everyday.
I love waking up with him. In the early hours before dawn when he isn't fully aware of himself, he is vuernerable. He hasn't yet strapped the weight of the world onto his broad shoulders. It's then for just a moment that he sees me and I see who it was that I first fell in love with. This is when he doesn't hesitate to reach out and tell me he loves me. And it is not a perfunctory task. He says it and it comes from his soul.
He eyes are the only thing that betray him. They aren't part of his gruff exterior. Everything that his lips will never utter his eyes have told me a thousand times, and for me that is enough.
Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.ListAll&friendId=51400525&page=9#ixzz0t3VeNCeO
No comments:
Post a Comment