I feel numb. This is the least like my birthday that August has ever felt. Those who know me know that the world truely revolves around me, at least one month of the year. I don't like getting older, but I like my life so much more every year that it is a winning trade. Usually I am happy and trying to think of where I would like to go out to eat for my birthday. This year my birthday wish is not for a tangible gift. I am wishing to find how to make life my life again. Not getting my way is a hard pill to swallow. I have been the most fourtuante person. I have a good husband, he loves me and our son so much. I have great parents, who have always been there for me and each other. My sister was sent from heaven as my personal best friend. She has always been mine. My friends are not just friends, they are a part of my family. They are mine, as close to my heart as one can get. I am territorial over people I care about. All of them are mine. God has given them all to me for a reason.
Maybe He needed more time to make Turner a perfect best friend. Tabitha took 4 years to get just right. It took 28 for some of my friends to be just right to come into my life. Some have been here since the third grade and we have grown together. Not grown up together but literally grown together, our hearts feel the same things.
Maybe I'm getting patience for my birthday this year. I've never had any. I am quick tempered. I open Chirstmas presents early if they're left unattended. I want to know how the movie ends when I have only seen 10 minutes of it. I never asked God for patience. I know that is a hard and painful lesson to learn, and it would take too long. Maybe He knows I will need patience to raise a little boy. I think this lesson started when I had to wait 9 months to meet Turner. I had to wait 12 months for him to say my name, and only after mastering saying Papa. I have to wait to see my mom and dad for months at a time. I can no longer drive around the corner to sit with Tabba. I am begining to get good at waiting. This doesn't mean I like it mind you, but I am learning.
Of course I want to know now how much longer I have to wait to meet the one who'll make us complete. It's a question that is unanswerable except by God, and I think it would go against the lesson he's teaching me to let me know. I am by no means at peace. I am not ready to not be mad. A child can be mad at their parents but still love them. This is how I feel. I am mad, but I still love God and I know that He still loves me. I know that when I look back on this part of my journey that there will only be one set of foot prints in the sand because I am being carried.
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