I can't breathe

I can't breathe
I guess my feelings of trepidation were right. I had a miscarriage. I am mad and hurt and sad beyond comprehension. Don't want sympathy, don't want to be told it's for the best and that we'll get pregnant again in no time. It wasn't just being pregnant, it was my baby. My heart will always have a hole in it. I am not a grown up over things like this. My head understands that things like this happen for no reason. I have read and understood that it is probably "for the best". I don't care. Don't give a damn about what anyone says, it was my baby. I am crushed, I am selfish and want the whole world to go away. I may feel differently in a few days or longer but right now that's just how I feel. My heart is having a really hard time with this. I don't know what else to say. I'm sad and sorry if I am a bit on edge to talk to. Sorry if I don't answer my phone. Sorry that I can't bring myself to call the people I am supposed to call. I know that there are grandparents and Aunts and Uncles who were excited. I know once it sinks in that I will be not quite so bitchy and I appologize now, but I feel like I can't breathe.

No one but me will understand how much I could love someone that only exsisted as a blue line on a pregnancy test. But in that blue line I saw my future. I saw Turner as the best little big brother. I saw the look on Brad's face that I have only seen once, when Turner was born. I had already given part of my heart to the person who was inside me. I can't just buck up and say oh well maybe next time. It is not that easy. I know it will get easier. But right now it doesn't feel like it.



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