What's that on the floor?

I was almost arrested this morning. Well, maybe not almost. But I am sure someone was going to call Children's Protective Services had I pulled down Little Monster's pants and reddened his bottom like I wanted to.
Little Monster is smart. He apparently took a correspondence course on bio mechanics and realizes than pregnant women can't bend over. Little sucker threw a proper fit in the middle of the grocery store today. So I did what I normally do-walk off. I walked around the end of an isle and stood just out of view, hiding myself but keeping an eye on him. This used to work. Turner would get up and run to see where Mom had gone. Little Monster could give a crap about where Mom went. If Mom is out the picture he can do what ever he wants. So I marched back up to Mr Monster and told him we were leaving, that's when he hit the floor. I bent over and tried to pull him up, but he was a wet noodle. I then felt I had no choice other than to give him a half hearted pop on the butt. That is when all hell broke loose. The screaming, the wailing, and my head having steam fly from my ears. Turner did eventually get up and we made it back to the car.
We had one more errand to run, silly me. We went to the fabric store and all was well. Turner helped, stayed by me and didn't make a mess-til we checked out. He was with me at the register and proceeded to try and knock an entire shelf of candy to the floor. I stopped him and was picking up the few Rollo's that had fallen. While I was busy cleaning up his distraction he grabbed a Push Pop and ripped the paper off of it and stuck it in his mouth. I was pissed, he didn't deserve a sucker or need any extra sugar. But he had licked it so we had to buy it. The poor check out lady though I was nuts. I paid for the sucker and threw it into the garbage as soon as it had crossed the scanner. No way was I going to let him even have the satisfaction of having it at a later date. Well, we all know what happened next: Crying, and dragging him to the car.
Once we got home Turner was back, sweet and obedient. Lil Monster knows that on Mom's turf his bottom is fare game. I got to sit and eat lunch with my sweet baby. We talked about how it was not nice for him to act that way. He nodded and agreed. Then I got to laugh at the scenes we had made earlier.
Any time I see a mom in a similar situation I try to let her know it happens to me all the time. Anyone with kids has been in that very situation, unless your kids are heavily medicated. Why do they do these things? Because they are still babies and have no control over their impulses. When does it stop? I don't know, I can piss and moan pretty loudly if I don't get my way, and I'm twenty-eight.
I am wondering who'll get up from nap, Turner or Little Monster? Depends on who walks out as to what the rest of the day has in store. If it's Turner we'll read and I'll let him help me get dinner started then we'll go outside and play. If it's Lil Monster I am putting on a catcher's mask and getting my Nerf baseball bat to fend off what ever he'll be throwing at me. So here's to hoping for an afternoon free of projectiles and one full of fun time together instead.