I hate gaining weight. Yeah,Yeah, I know I'm pregnant and I'm supposed to, doesn't make it any easier. I have gained six pounds for the first five and a half months. It is a healthy amount of weight for my size. Blah,blah,blah, what ever. And no, I'm not going to not gain it, I have to for a healthy baby. Doesn't make those big numbers on the scale any easier to swallow.
I have issues with weight, this would be a shock to my mother. She, and many people, assume that if you are thin you have no issue with your weight. Wrong. I am obsessed. Have been for about ten years. I can tell you what I weighed on different important days of my life. My 21st birthday-115, Wedding day-118, my first OB/GYN visit 12 weeks pregnant with Turner-137, Turner's first birthday 125, begining of this pregnancy 134. And I could rattle off countless other important days that all started with weighing myself and scrutinizing the results.
Granted at my highest non pregnant weight I am still a size four or a six. Not big, but by no means my ideal. My goal is after this pregnancy to be back down between 120-125 for the rest of my life. Why does it matter? Cause it eats at me everyday. I think about it constantly. My bathroom scale lives in front of my refrigerator, I know that is a little neurotic. I weigh every morning of my life and tailor my eating accordingly. Up a half a pound, no snack today.
Pregnancy takes all of this out of my hands. I feel so out of control because I have to eat because I am hungry for a reason. And I do eat, so no interventions please. I am the worst kind of crazy, because I am aware that I am crazy. I live much healthier now than I ever have in my life. I eat right and exercise pretty religiously. In college, I exercised all right. Every morning before class at the gym at 5:40 for an hour of cardio. Go to school eat a hand full of diet pills and laxatives and then back to the gym at five for a two hour work out. FYI: Effective but not the best get fit now plan.
The diet pills and laxatives are something I left behind, thank the Lord above. But it is really hard to get those results the right way. Now I am so much more concerned for my children's well being that the unhealthy methods of weight control are something that make me shudder. I want to lengthen my life by living healthily, not shorten it by abusing chemicals to appease my vanity.
The best single act I ever did to help my borderline bulimia was breastfeed my son. I knew I needed lots of calories going in to produce what he needed to live and thrive, period end of story. I ate healthy the entire pregnancy with Turner, just like now. Then I nursed him, and ate healthy til he was thirteen months old. (Please grow up if you are cringing, it's natural and before formula and negative social stigmas all children were breast fed til about their second birthday.)
I look forward to having this little girl and nursing her. It's a great part of being a mom. I also have a heavy weight on my shoulders to try to provide a positive model for my daughter. I think the same thing about Turner. He'll have the good habits of regular exercise ingrained in him, but I worry less about eating disorders for boys than I do for little girls. I know I have to give her a nice mom who doesn't weigh three and four times a day, and who is comfortable in her skin no matter what weight I'm at. Those darn kids, making me become the grown up. It was much easier when my life was simply that, My Life. Now it is a example, either good or bad for my kids. My health is something I must watch and take of. Now my life is my kids. I need to be there for them. Their first day of school, prom, graduation, marriage, when they have children of their own, and far beyond that I hope. - Just some crap that's been on my mind.
The scale will continue to go up, and I'll have to be OK with it. I'll just let it provide me with motivation to let it all be healthy weight. I'll give in to my cravings, like I have a choice. I'll eat when I'm hungry. I'll exercise and get my body in shape for the labor and delivery that's to come. But I will be back down to my ideal weight, I will just have to be patient. Guess it's another one of those damn life lessons that keep on tracking me down.
No comments:
Post a Comment