Bare-Ass-Bandit

I am in the battle if my life: Potty training a two year old. I am desperate for any tips that may work, so I posed the question to my mom's group. It's an on line mom's group that posts messages and there are about two play groups per week. Turner and I go to a play group about once every other week. I post messages sporadically. I posted and asked for advice on potty training tips recently. I told them Turner is twenty-seven months old, pees in the toilette almost a hundred percent of the time, and that he loves to take a big greasy dump in his underwear.

The responses I got infuriated me. They were all pretty much along the lines of "Well you are just starting entirely too early". " My little Jr. didn't start potty training til he was four" "Little Bill absolutely refused to look at the potty til he was almost four, then he made the decision to potty train himself". Give me a break.

Am I to believe that no boy in the world is ready to crap on the pot til age three and a half or four? I absolutely refuse. I understand that some children are physically unable to potty train at the age of two. I also understand that Turner is not among them. How do I know this? Well, if he knows he's about to poop and has enough time to slip into another room, hide between the coffee table and the couch, then he should know in enough time to mention it to me. I also know that when I leave him naked, he takes himself to the potty, sits down and poops without fuss. This strategy works, so why not use it? To put it simply, it's too damn cold. Even with the heat blasting all day it is really chilly to run around bottomless. He's watching Thomas and Friends right now wearing a shirt and a pair of my socks. Why a pair of my socks? Because they go up to his mid thigh and keep more of his leg warm.

I suppose my next few weeks are to be spent in the comfort of my home watching the Flash streak by. I am on a mission to have him toilette trained by June. I do not want to deal with diapers and potty training when I am dealing with a new baby too. I know he can do this. I have to be tough.

Part of the reason I got so pissed about the emails from the mom group is that they are leaving the decisions up to their three and four year old counterparts. I realize that all children develop at different levels and at different paces. But, these are the same women who moan and groan that little Billy didn't go to bed til eleven thirty last night. Well, little Billy knows you don't enforce bedtime, and he can do what he damn well pleases. These are also the women who just don't know how to get little Billy to stop writing on their walls or to quit tearing up everything they own. I try to be loving, but I will not be a push over. Turner does not make our schedule or pick his bedtime. I do leave him choices, but not when it comes to his health and well being. He can pick out his clothes for the day, decide if he wants oatmeal or waffles for breakfast, or he can choose what toys we will play with. What he can not decide is his bedtime. He has written on my walls once. He got a spanking, he helped me clean up his mess, and had his colors taken away for the day. He has not written on my walls since. I leave the colors out all the time. He colors in his coloring books. I am blessed that he is an obedient child. But, I believe part of that comes from him growing up with clear restrictions and rules.

The toilette training is a battle of wills. I know he is capable of doing it. He knows he really likes to lay on the floor to poop. I am not waiting til he is four years old and decides he no longer wishes to crap his pants because all of his friends at preschool make fun of him. Peer pressure is not the angle I am wanting to play on this. No, potty training is not fun. Sending him to the gym playroom in only underwear does cause me to hold my breath for the entire hours he's in there. Cleaning up hot wet crap from his Elmo drawers while in Walmart is not my idea of fun. Carrying a hot stinky pair of balled up, pooped filled pants in my purse and cutting my errand running short to go home an bathe Turner is not ideal for my schedule. This will take determination. I have it. It is hard to give up the freedom that diapers provide. It is so much easier to slap a pull up on and run around town than it is to be stuck inside for a couple weeks at a time with the Bare-Ass-Bandit. We'll just have to buckle down and do it. Nobody said parenting was easy or convenient. At least he has a cute little tush, good thing, since I'll be seeing so much of it over the next few days.