No more sweet dreams

So we're back, Vegas was fun but I am so glad to be back to normal. Turner is having a hard time adjusting to being back at home. He loved me sleeping in his bed all week. I even slept with him at nap time. Now he thinks that should be our new routine.

Brad and I did the "Cry it Out" method with Turner when he was 8 months old. He slept in our bed and nursed all through the night up to that point. I was desperate for a real night's sleep. The book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child was purchased and read cover to cover. We dove right in. Put him in his own room, in his own bed and let him scream his little lungs out. It was the hardest three nights I have ever spent. The agonizing cries of my baby going on for two hours, then one hour, then the third night only for a couple minutes. From then on Turner has slept in his own bed and gone to sleep easily.

Until recently his sleep habits were almost too good to be true. A story, a hug, a kiss and off to sleep with out a peep. The honeymoon is over. He knows we're out here, staying awake with out him. He wants to be with me. Is it such a horrible thing?

In through the door parades my mommy guilt. I hate hearing him cry. Is he scared in there in the dark? Will he be scarred for life from the trauma of being left alone in his room? What should I be doing to make this better? When he wakes up in the morning and sounds like a little two year old smoker, horse from yelling, can my heart break more? When the crying stops and he just asks in a quiet voice "Mommy please come Turner's room, Please?" How do I not?

I, of all people, know how important it is for a person to learn to sleep well on their own, but at what price? I need my sleep, so does Brad. We also need time to just the two of us. I need an hour or two a day with out Turner on top of me. All of which makes me feel guilty.

I love every minute with him, but I also value my time from eight to ten at night when I get some down time. On the rough terrible two days I really envy working moms. To get to function all day with other adults, what a luxury. But on the good days, and on almost everyday, I feel so blessed to watch his every little milestone as it races past.

So I hope he goes back to sleeping and napping easily. I hope I can stand it til then. I am not like Brad, I can not just tune it out with a loud TV. Turner doesn't call out for Papa either, only My Mommy. I need him rested and happy. I need to be rested and happy too. I need to not dred bed time and hold my breath when I turn out the light.