Wednesday, October 11, 2006

10 feet tall and bullet proof

So I have always known that I am a little crazy. It's also always been fine with me. I know I am controling, bossy, possesive, and some might call me a bit dominate. I am OK with all of it. What I am not OK with is being helpless.

My first memory of being truely helpless was when my sister was in kindergarten. One of the little boys in her class, one of her friends, was killed in a four wheeler accident. I think his name was Barron. She cried herself to sleep after my mom and dad told her what had happened. This being a traumatic day for everyone bedtimes were off and I was up late. I couldn't quit moving, now I know this is what a caged animal feel like. I was sick on my insides.

I remeber telling my mom how I was feeling and she explained that they all were felling that way b/c we couldn't help Barron, and we couldn't help Tabba feel better. This is a feeling I will hate for the rest of my life.

Being helpless is my #1 fear in life. It is a constant worry that someone at home will need me and I will be way the hell out here in UT. Now what you might ask do I think I can do to rewind time and stop a car accident or heart attack? Not a damn thing but be there.

Now this need to be there stems from my belief that I am truely invincible. I am always a little shcoked when I see pictures of Brad and I. I am almost a full foot shorter than him but I have never noticed. In my mind I am big and strong enough to protect him from any danger. I didn't know til last Christmas that I am a lot shorter than my mom and sister. I always just assumed that I was taller b/c I have always thought of myself as the big one who'll protect them. When people called me petite I just thought they were joking.

After I had Turner my proctective nature multiplied by a hundred fold. I threatened a women's life in walmart b/c she insisted on trying to touch my 6 day old miracle. I don't know what came over me but the thought of her RSV flu germ carring hands even near my baby drove me over the edge. She had the nerve to mutter "How rude" under her breath as she walked away. Don't mumble, it only pisses me off more-rabbid animals can smell fear remember?

So when I talked to Tabba today she said someone close to her had really hurt her feelings. I listened and tried my best to do what ever I could to make her feel better. I feel helpless way the hell out here. I need to be able to drive to her house and hug her. I need to be where I can get to her when ever she or any of my family need me. I also need to learn to calm down and be rational when I feel my blood literaly rising at the thought of someone hurting soemone I love. Not ignore my feelings, just not get arrested either.

It's not just Turner and Tabba, they just happen to be at the top of my list. My parents, my husband, all of my little cousins, my family- they're all up there-so don't mess with them. I used to beat up my little cousins, but don't you touch a hair on their heads or you have to deal with me.

So I am still not sure what it is I am supposed to do when I grow up. But I have known from a very early age that I am some sort of protector for those I love. If you don't have this gene, this deep inside of you need to watch over people then this is really hard to grasp. I get it from my dad, he's a protector too.

There are draw backs to being this way. I am controlling to the point of agrivation. I want to dictate what you eat to make you healthier and live longer. You have to call and tell me when you're running late. You have to buckle up damn it. And I'll all but pee on you to let the world know you're mine and to leave you the hell alone. This makes me a pretty good friend and very bad enemy. I have a horrible temper and a long memory. I am not quick to forgive and I never forget. This will make me old fast and burn holes in my stomach but it's who I am.

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