ER . 2

So this is ER visit # 2 for Turner B. His first was right after we moved into this house. He pushed through the gate at the top of our deck and fell down a flight of redwood stairs. When I picked him up he was bleeding from the mouth. Long story short- he was fine just tore the connector thing that attaches your upper lip to you gums.

Tonight was much less dramatic. Brad got home early from work, we ate super and I was cleaning up the kitchen. Turner was literally under my feet. Brad came to pick him up and go play. When he stood up I noticed Turner's eye was red. Figured he poked himself, then I washed it out with salien solution.

I give him his bath and his eye is getting worse, the lids are starting to swell. I peel them apart and his eyeball is very swollen. We hurriedly get dressed and head to the instcare.

We register, tell the receptionist that he has an irratated eye etc. We sit, and it is apparent there will be a wait. Brad and I look him over and decide his eye is getting worse very fast. This is when Brad's scary gruff side comes in handy. He goes up speaks to the receptionist again. Not 20 seconds later one of the doctors is out look at T's eye and we are brought back.

Well, we hold Turner down and the doc looks as best he can. Doesn't see anything in it. Comes back and wants to give Turner a sedative so he can get a better look. So we hold him down again and he gets a shot.

This is Brad's first time watching someone give Turner a shot. Turner and I are old hats at this. But it sucks every time. Turner is a sweet charming boy and talking to everyone the whole time. Well we look again and decide that nothing is stuck in my baby's eye -good news. Bad- we don't know what is giving him this reaction. It is scarry, but mommy and papa can't act scared and make Turner nervous.

When I say swollen eye, let me explain. The whites of his eye were swelling to the point of over lapping the blue iris. Bad red swelling, scary as hell. The doctor gave Turner an injection of a powerful antihistamine. Within 5 minutes his eye started going down again, thank God. The doctor thinks he had localized anafalaxis, a bad allergic reaction to who knows what? We stayed a few minutes and it kept going down. We were sent home with a scrip for the antihistamine and a red eyed boy.

Now I know why my parents looked so sick anytime they had to bring Tabba or I to the emergency room. When they shut my hand in the door of our van they looked worried, but nothing like an ER visit with Tabba. I was little, don't remember exactly what happened. She had a high fever, was really out of it and we rushed her in. My mom and dad looked so bad that I was really scared. They couldn't fake acting OK, not even to a six year old big sister. I know now that they thought she may have had meningitis. Thankfully she did not.

Being helpless to protect the one person you would give your life for is a miserable feeling. Being a parent means literally being powerless. We can cook the foods that are healthy, we can buy the best carseats and put them in the safest vehicles, we can make them wear gloves in the winter and sunscreen in the summer, but we cannot protect them from freak accidents or horrible illnesses.

I am over protective, I know this and I am totally OK with it. I get it honest. My parents are two of the most over protective people I know. I thank God that they are. It's why I made it through 3 bad car wrecks, and Tabba a couple too. We wear our seat belts, just like mom and dad. We lock our doors, b/c we have been told to do so almost everyday of our lives. I will make Turner do all of these things and a million more. If I could have a lojack installed on him I would.

My life will be spent trying to keep him as safe as I know how. I will irratate the ever living shit out of him, just like my mom and dad did for me. I now realize that they weren't trying to bug me. They just loved me so much that they saw the danger that could've been around every corner, and tried to protect me from it.

So Turner will put up with a hovering mom, no privacy, being reminded to buckle up-even when he already has, and take his vitamins. The thought of anything happening to him makes me quiet and still like peering into a darkness that I fear I would never return from. I know God only gives you what you can handle. I hope he knows that I can't handle much.

When I see people I used to know, and they have kids now, I know why they look older. Those who remain childless age too but it's different. Once I became a mom my mind never stopped. Everything in the world has to be looked at from a different angle. You see the potential for evil and are surprised by the good in people. The "Weight of the world on you shoulders" is just that. It the world that you try to hold back from your kids. Only filter through the good and safe and keep the rest at bay. I know that there are so many things that I will not be able to protect him from. Hate, rejection, bias, God forbid-car wrecks and illness. So I will work as hard as I can to keep him safe from the things I can prevent and hope the rest will side step him